What’s the definition of success? Is this person successful: Self-made multi-million dollar net worth by age thirty, CEO of a company for which you led the IPO by age thirty-five, in good health, solid marriage, active social life, vacation home, expensive European cars in the garage, the time and money to play and vacation in nice settings?
Maybe there isn’t one definition for success. Perhaps we all have to determine for ourselves what it is. If so, what’s your definition?
I used to be the guy in the first paragraph. I thought I was successful. The problem I ran into was I always wanted more of all of it. A bigger condo in the mountains, more money in the bank, a bigger company, a nicer car, and vacation resort destinations that were just a notch more exclusive.
As I look at the things I used to associate with success (some of which I have today and some I don’t), I understand that they’re fun, not inherently bad, and, with hindsight, not that important. What’s important to me now, and what I realize was important to me then, is how I define and achieve fulfillment.
Which Comes First, Success or Fulfillment?
I am writing a book that contrasts the difference between success and fulfillment (due out in the fall of this year). Success usually leaves us wanting more—to the point that we get addicted to the stuff of success. Fulfillment is actually what we want in the first place. We just think success will lead to fulfillment; instead it leads us away from it.
My book is entitled The Business of Wanting More and you’ll be hearing a lot more about it this spring. My thesis is that fulfillment comes only when you meet four core needs:
- Self-worth (the foundation need)
- Connection (the cornerstone need)
- Purpose (your source of meaning and passion)
- Service (this need arises naturally and unexpectedly when the other needs are met)
The writing process made me ask myself what kind of leader I was when I was chasing success. I was considered an effective leader by a lot of standards and people. I built and retained strong teams, created corporate cultures people wanted to work in, raised nearly a billion dollars of capital, and so on. Yet I wonder how effective I could have been had I been more fulfilled.
As I looked back on my thirties, I realized that because I was so unfulfilled, my ambition, insecurity, arrogance and self-centeredness limited how far I could take my leadership. The companies I ran blossomed for years but I wonder where things would have gone had I been fulfilled going into these endeavors instead of hoping that building the companies would make me fulfilled. I know I would have been an even more grounded, attractive and inspiring leader had I been more fulfilled.
The Power of Intention
The paradox of success is that by focusing on fulfillment (and not success) you become successful. As a leader or partner, you will reach your success goals because people who have high levels of self-worth, connection, purpose and service are happier, attractive and inspiring.
Don’t focus on making a certain amount of money. (You know it doesn’t make you happy, right?) Instead, focus on experiencing affirmation, acceptance, freedom, and self-worth. People want to follow leaders who get their worth from the inside and who do things for reasons bigger than their own ego or personal bank account.
Focus is important because there is tremendous power in your intention. Hence, be careful about what you are striving for because you just might get it and wake up one day wishing you had focused on something different.
Take the Fulfillment Test
If you think you have confused success with fulfillment or want to check on how fulfilled you are, ask yourself these four questions:
- Do I feel valuable and complete regardless of my accomplishments, failures and roles?
- How do I rate the three most important relationships in my life (excluding those with children under 16)?
- Am I passionate about what I do?
- How do I serve others (especially those I am not related to)?
If you don’t like one or more of your answers to these questions it’s time to set an intention to wean yourself off success (i.e., to stop getting more of what you don’t really need in the first place) and go for more of what really feeds you. If you don’t like your answers to one or more of these questions then chances are others in your life feel your pain (and their pain as a result) and that you’re not as strong a leader as you could be.
The good news is that eighty percent of fulfillment is knowing what it is—it’s meeting your four core needs. The other twenty percent comes when you break your soft addictions. Addictions like over-committing, over-working, consuming, worrying, controlling, judging, and the list goes on, all pull you further away from fulfillment.
To break some of your own soft addictions start by:
- Be good to yourself—maybe a blessing mantra as you look in the mirror.
- Take the risk to be more vulnerable in your relationships—share an emotion.
- Make a decision at work based entirely on either a mission statement or a core value like love, compassion, respect, trust, empathy (vs. “it’s just business”).
- Serve one person each week (make a call to person in crisis, help a nameless person in need, draw a candlelit bath for your spouse).
Once you know the difference between success and fulfillment, you will always pick fulfillment.
Well said Brian! I found myself identifying with your journey at multiple intersections. Looking forward to the book.
I always find myself agreeing with you. I like the distinction between success and fulfillment. I’ve often confused one with the other. I look forward to reading your book. Clark
Hey
Nice column
I like the self revealing quality.
Please don’t take me off your list.
Even though I know it goes out to millions and milions of people, I like the feeling of connection.
marty
Marty – I don’t know about the millions and millions but I’m grateful to hear you talk about connection. It’s very important to me too. Brian
Brian,
You hit a home run with this article. Congratulations, this is great counsel. The work you are proposing is from the inside out. Bravo and good on you for taking on the writing project.
F. W. Rick Meyers
Oikos Associates
Rick,
I liked that you focused on the “inner work” – happiness is an inside job, success an outside one.
Great stuff Brian. Looking forward to the book!
You have a unique talent to compartmentalize the emotional desires we all are striving to figure out. Looking forward to the book and best of luck with it.
Great distinction. I find I can get them confused. Thank for the blog and I look forward to the book in the fall.
Thanks, Brian. I’ve come to view successes as moment by moment occurrences, where how I feel about myself is even more important than the real world outcome.
Eric, I love your view because it reminds me that I have the power to choose my reaction to any outcome and although some outcomes can be painful, it’s my choice that creates or alleviates my suffering. Thank you. Brian
Great perspectives, Brian. Having had a similar career path, I can very much relate to what you’re saying about fulfillment vs. success. I’m only now beginning to embody that transition. Thanks and I look forward to reading the book!
Great article, Brian, can’t wait for the book. It really made me think about the difference. When I get stuck chasing the wrong one, I remember a quote from Chariots of Fire. Eric Liddell – “I believe God made me for a purpose, but he also made me fast. And when I run I feel His pleasure.”
I interperit this to mean that when we are living into our purpose, He lets us know. Of course knowing and/or discovering our purpose can be the real trick.
Maybe that’s why the “Purpose Driven Life,” by Rick Warren sold so many copies. People, in spite of the number of toys and success they may have on this earth, still seem to be lacking, for the most part, until they experience peace with God.
Great to hear from you Matt. Indeed the faith and spiritual beliefs can guide you to connecting with a sense of purpose and, of course, there are many that find purpose without believing in God. I think the Purpose Driven Life was such a hit because, for many, peace and a “why” to what they were doing was/is missing. I love your interpretation of the Liddlell line from the movie. In peace, Brian
Matt, Your Liddel quote reminded me of one I heard recently (source unknown) — a bird flies to find food, but he also flies to fly.
Thanks, Brian, for the nourishing food for thought. Got me wondering whether the first three core needs– self-worth, connection and purpose — are a hierarchy of needs like Maslow’s. (I didn’t include the core need for Service since you posit that this one arises in your model when the other needs are met.) Hmm… I think they are not a hierarchy (for me anyway) since some of my self-worth is fed by connection and purpose. Hmmm again…. I think I could include the connection that comes from Service in my self-worth too. I look forward to reading more of your blogs and your book, and I appreciate the service you are providing by writing it.
I like your thinking Eileen – the needs feed on each other so not hierarchical but self-worth is foundational to the others. Brian
Great article Brian! Glad to hear a book you’ve also written a book on your lessons and thoughts. I think fondly of many of the lessons you shared with me over time and am certain you will help many others find their passion and fulfillment.
Wonderful to hear from you Clair. Still at the same shop? Thanks for your comments I enjoyed our work together. Brian
Hi Brian-
What you wrote is very much what I’ve found in my practice. What’s unusual is to find an executive coach who gets this stuff on a clear, focused, intuitive level. It’s often hard for leaders to ask for guidance and help in forming or shifting their vision. It’s humble work. And that work becomes fulfilling (!) when the guide has his or her feet planted firmly on the ground! Indeed, you inspire confidence!
-Jason
Thanks Jason – it is amazing how hard the typical executive works. Red-eye flights across the globe, late-night emailing, back-to-back-to-back meetings for 12 hours…Then when it comes to self-reflection or engaging support or expressing themselves many become whimps. So I am inspired by those Level 5 Leaders or Integral Leaders who do the heavy lifting of inner work and staying congruent with their stated values.